Understanding Dialectics: The Heart of DBT

One of the most powerful—and often misunderstood—concepts in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is dialectics. At first glance, the word itself might sound abstract or even academic. But once you understand it, you’ll see how dialectics can transform the way you relate to yourself, others, and the world around you.

So, what exactly are dialectics?

What Does “Dialectics” Mean?

Dialectics is about holding two seemingly opposite truths at the same time. It’s the idea that two things that appear contradictory can both be true. Instead of choosing between black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, dialectical thinking invites us into the gray area, where acceptance and change can coexist.

Dr. Andrea Gold explains this concept beautifully in the short video below, breaking down dialectics in a way that’s easy to understand and apply.

The Core Dialectic in DBT

At the heart of DBT is one central dialectic:

Accept yourself as you are and work to change your behavior.

This idea can be deeply healing for those who have felt stuck in extremes—whether that’s self-criticism or an overwhelming push to “fix” everything. DBT doesn't ask you to pick one side. It teaches you how to hold both.

You are doing the best you can and you can do better.

You can accept your emotions and still want to change how you respond to them.

You can love someone and be hurt by them.

This way of thinking isn't about contradiction—it's about complexity and growth.

Why Dialectics Matter

Dialectical thinking helps reduce rigid, all-or-nothing patterns. Many of us have grown up internalizing beliefs like:

• “If I can’t do it perfectly, it’s not worth doing.”
• “If I feel sad, something must be wrong.”
• “If we disagree, one of us must be wrong.”

These beliefs can create conflict both internally and in relationships. Dialectics opens the door to flexibility, tolerance, and connection.

As Dr. Gold highlights, being dialectical doesn’t mean always sitting on the fence or avoiding decisions. It means being open to multiple truths and integrating opposites in a way that honors the full picture.

How to Practice Dialectical Thinking

Here are a few ways to start applying dialectics in your own life:

1. Use “And” Instead of “But”

Replacing “but” with “and” can shift your mindset immediately.

• Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I’m doing my best to cope.”
• Instead of: “I’m doing my best, but I’m still overwhelmed.”

The word “but” often cancels out what came before it. “And” allows both truths to exist side by side.

2. Look for the Middle Path

When you notice extreme thinking (e.g., “I always mess things up” or “They never listen”), pause and ask:

• What’s another perspective?
• What’s a more balanced way to see this?
• Can both things be true?

3. Validate Before Problem-Solving

When you're in conflict—either with yourself or someone else—start with validation. Acknowledge the valid points or feelings, even if you also see things differently.

Example: “I can understand why you're upset, and I also see it from a different angle.”

This approach lowers defensiveness and keeps dialogue open.

Final Thoughts: Dialectics as a Skill for Life

Dialectics is more than a concept—it’s a skill, a mindset, and a path toward inner peace and healthier relationships. Through TheraHive’s DBT course and the wisdom of clinicians like Dr. Andrea Gold, learners are empowered to embrace the complexities of life rather than fight them.

If you find yourself stuck in extremes or constantly battling opposing truths, you’re not alone—and dialectical thinking can help. It’s not about erasing one truth to accept another. It’s about creating space for both.

Life is full of paradoxes. DBT teaches us not to resolve them, but to live with them skillfully.

Want to Explore More?

Curious about how dialectics and other DBT skills can support real change in your life? Join our Adult DBT Skills Group or book a free info session to learn more about how TheraHive can support your goals.

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